A/N: Artemis and Holly are married, as
Artemis got his memory back successfully. Artemis is 20, Holly's 86 (young in human years). Now, on to the story....
Holly had to tell Artemis something. Something big.
"Artemis?" she asked. Artemis grinned. "You back for more?"
"Artemis, I need to tell you something."
Artemis frowned. "What is it?"
She gulped."I...I want kids."
Artemis was puzzled. "But I'm a human....and you're an elf."
She gulped again. "Artemis, I know a specialist under the Earth. She could help, I know it."
Artemis smiled. "All right."
He wanted kids. More than anything. But Holly hadn't told him what price he'd have to pay. And we're not talking money.
The specialist smiled. "I've had a couple other cases like that. All had great results.But there's a catch."
Now Artemis gulped. If it was going to hurt Holly, he couldn't bear it. He'd rather die. "What?" he whispered.
"You get pregnant."
Oh. My. God. But at least Holly wouldn't get hurt. "Ok."
The specialist, her nametag said 'Ivy', wrote down a note on her clipboard. "Great. Natural or cesarean?"
Artemis looked at Holly. She wouldn't mind if he chose the least amount of pain. But he wanted to prove he could withstand
the pain. If not to himself, to her. "Natural."
"Great! Now, the pregnancy has to be extended, though."
"Your body isn't right for this sort of thing. The baby won't develop enough in 9 months."
"So, erm, how long are we talking?"
Artemis was worried now. A year? Why couldn't fairy magic fix this? The specialist went on.
"During your pregnancy you'll suffer: severe morning sickness, headaches, big mood swings, huge cravings, and you'll
"How much?" Artemis interrupted.
"Hmm. Probably about 70 pounds at least."
At least? Ugh...
"Also, some side effects after birth."
"Well, there's a severe chance you'll get Postpartum Depression."
Great.... "Is that all?
Of course not. "Well, what then?
"Erm, you'll get your period, after the birth."
Artemis was speechless.
Come on, Artemis. Snap out of it. "Uh, how will I give birth?"
"Well, our healers can give you a womb, breasts, and your birth canal. In all essence, you'll be a girl. But hey! No more
Uh, huh. Did all these fairy people look on the bright side? "How long does this last?"
Artemis glared. "How long?" Please don't say forever, please don't say forever, plea-
Holly said,"About a year after birth, sweet."
Ivy seemed to regain her powers of speech."So, you to think about it, and...?"
"Wait!" Artemis nearly shouted. Then he calmed down."Er, what am I supposed to tell my friends? My family?"
Ivy shrugged. "Make something up."
Now this was something Artemis was good at. "No problem."
Ivy said,"Well, talk about it-"
Artemis interrupted without thinking."No need. I'll do it."
Holly looked scared."Sweet, I don't want to force you..."
Artemis grinned. "Hols, you know I wouldn't take orders from you..." He winked. "Anyway, I want kids."
Holly looked embarassed. "Well, one more thing."
Ivy took over."You'd have to do this every two years, basically 7 times, so you'd have seven kids at least."
That didn't make sense. "What do you mean by 'at least'?"
"Sometimes the last pregnancy gives triplets or more."
"What would be the consequences of that?"
"Well, all the above, but you'd gain way more weight, and I'd want you on total bedrest."
Holly smirked and said,"Artemis, just because you're carrying the kiddies, doesn't mean I'm going to be your maid. Anyway,
Juliet or Butler can."
Artemis grinned. "Ah, Hols, it just wouldn't be fun if they were to do it."
Holly said,"Do you think Foaly could help with something?"
Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"
"I don't know." She shrugged. "But it'd be nice to see his face when we tell him the news. He was shocked when we got married,
what would this do to him?"
She was right. Even if Foaly couldn't help with anything, it'd be nice to talk to him. After seeing his reaction, anyway.
Ivy joined in. "So, what's the verdict?"
The moment of truth. "I'll do it."
I hope so. "When will this happen?"
"We can do it today, if you want."
"Fairy magic, and some of Holly's...well, you know."
He did know. He had been a teenager once, after all. Not a normal one...but he'd been at school with normal ones.
Ivy continued. "So if you have sex tonight, the "changes" will happen tomorrow."
"Right. Now, then."
A/N: Time for Foaly's reaction.
Hah. This reminds me of one of those "Priceless" commercials. Oh, this one's going to be done mostly in Holly's POV. Until
we get to Foaly. Then it's all him. Read on...
I heard something from the bathroom. "Artemis?" I yelled. "Artemis, that you?" Then I remembered about what happened yesterday.
Guess he's going through the "changes". Hrm. This'll be fun to watch.
I climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom. "Sweet?"
Then I saw him standing there. With breasts. Nice ones, too, in the mudwoman way. At least size C. And Ivy said they'd
get bigger. Wait. He's a woman! "Arty?" I asked, soothingly. He replied,"Hello, Hols. Get Dom and Juliet, would you? It's
time they knew." I know he tried to remain calm, but I could hear panic in his voice.
I ran to get Juliet and Butler, and heard retching from the bathroom. Morning sickness. Ugh.
I found them in the kitchen. "Er, guys?" They looked at me. "Yeah, Holly?" asked Juliet. "Well, come on into the bathroom,
They followed me, and I know they were worried, as Butler put his hand on his weapon.
In the bathroom, Arty greeted them. "Hello, Dom. Juliet."
Juliet giggled. "Oh, Master Fowl. Or should I say Mistress?"
Butler asked,"What happened?"
Artemis explained how he was pregnant. Then he threw up again. Urg.
"Oh, Mistress Fowl. What's your name now? Although, I guess you could keep Artemis. It's a girl's name right? Oh, wait
except when you hunted Spiro,"Juliet said, thoughtfully.
Butler took over. "In bed. Move it."
Arty was taken aback. "What?"
"Men are not supposed to be pregnant. If you insist on doing this, you will be in bed."
"You forget, Dom, that I'm a woman now."
"Damn it, Artemis, get in bed."
I jumped in."What about morning sickness? I really don't want him to heave his guts on my side of the bed."
Juliet laughed. "You always have a ladylike way of putting things. Though you do have a point. You want to bring over a
bucket to the bed? Probably not. Awful smell after awhile."
We decided Artemis could just relax near the sink. Prop him up with a few pillows, the couch, blanket, and the comscreen,
so he could talk to Dom, me, or Juliet if he needed something. And, of course, Foaly. We decided we ought to tell him.
Juliet and Butler left, so we rang up Foaly.
"Yes, mudman? I'm kind of bus-"
A/N: Sorry, I had no idea that I wasn't going to have Foaly react in this chapter. Next chapter for sure! Possibly Commander
Root, too. Review, and tell me if you think Artemis should be called something else, if you think Commander Root should give
his reaction, if Arty should get off bedrest, and/or if there are any other characters you want to see in this story. Such
as Angeline Fowl, his mum. Now that would be pretty funny. Future chapters will probably show MoodSwing!Artemis, which will
be awesome. Read and Review, people!!!
A/N: I'm sooo happy! I love my reviews! :hugs reviewers:
Amy Shadows: Thankies! Foaly's reaction in this chapter! Muahahaha! Keep up the good work with 'Fear Factor: LEPrecon Style'!
The OddBird: Sorry 'bout the rushing! Hopefully I get better at details;I'm more of a 'less detail, more action' writer.
:) You're right, though. Say 'moo', Arty!
My New Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl or anything related or pertaining to it. That's why Artemis has yet to be
snogged by Angela Dawne. ;)
Who was this? It looked like a mudwoman version of Fowl. "Who on and under the earth are you?" I finally asked. The female
"It's me. Artemis." What? That? Artemis? Ah, well. Fowl's a bit weird. I'll never know what Holly sees in him.
"Now what happened?"
"I'm a woman, Foaly. Thanks to the fairies underground." Right...
"Why exactly are you a woman?" A very pretty looking one, too, at least for mudpeople. Personally, I'll always prefer
elves or centaurs, but Artemis had at least size C brea-wait. This is Fowl. I can not get turned on by him. Er, yeah.
Artemis continued."Well, Holly and I would like kids. So, we went underground-where, thanks to you, there are no huge amounts
of pressure, and most places are equalized-and had a specialist-" Realization dawned on me.
"Ah...yes." I start laughing.
"There's a reason why woman get pregnant, Fowl,"I say, laughing the entire time. "They are the stronger sex! You
will not be able to get through this!" He glares at me.
"Yes, I will." I snort at that.
"Fowl, if you don't complain once during this thing, I'll 'eat my hat', as you mudmen say. Or mudwoman, now." Calm down,
calm down. I take a deep breath to stop laughing, and ask,"So, cesarean or natural?"
"Natural." That's even funnier. Fowl would not be able to take the pain. He'd start crying like a baby.
"Where are you giving birth?"
"Underground. Pearl Shall's Hospital, or something like that." Excellent. I'll hook up my spycam in his room, and get a
laugh out of that. More than one, definitely.
"Well, Artemis, to help you, I'll fax you over a list of when some of the symptons occur. Like mood swings," I smirk. Gods,
I'd have to call on Holly and him more often, now that I'm sure of some entertainment.
"How far along are you?"
"This is my first day,actually. Of the first pregnancy." First day? And he-well, she- already had 'knockers' like that?
He'd have size DD by the end of the last month.
"All right. I'll send over the sympton list right now," I say, and get off the comscreen. Just wait until Julius hears
"Holly?" I yelled.
She yelled back,"What?"
"Check the fax! Something from Foaly!"
"Juliet's coming with it!" As if on cue, Juliet came in.
"Mistress Fowl, don't yell so much. I don't think it's good for the baby," she said with a smirk. "You know, I like calling
you 'Mistress Fowl'. Holly only let's me call her to dinner. Her bad joke, by the way."
"Oh, just hand it over," I said. A look at this, and then some rest. I felt extremely tired.
Sympton :When it will start :When it will end
Morning Sickness:First Day:Fifth Month
Mood Swings:First Week:Last Month
Swelled Feet:Second Month:Third Month
Fatigue:First Day:Second Month
Breasts Get Larger:First Day:Last Month
Headaches:Third Month:Seventh Month
Cravings:First Month:Last Month
A/N: So? How did you like it? Now review! That's your half of the deal....:winks: Oooh! And guess what? I'm on the author
alert list and the favorites list for two authors! Thanks, The OddBird and Amy Shadows! First you make me happy by
reviewing, and then you make me hyperventilate from happiness for adding on two lists! :hugs both:
Disclaimer: Eoin Colfer owns everything in this story. :shrugs:
Ugh. I woke up from my nap, feeling not at all refreshed. Actually, I felt sick. I quickly emptied my stomach's contents,
and looked at the list of symptons again. Breast enlargement? They were already size C. What if they enlarge in every pregnancy
I have? They'll be monstrous. That made me feel sick again. Once again, I heaved. In came Juliet.
"You okay, Mistress?" she asked, a smile playing at her lips. "You know, I could probably persuade Holly to give you a
"Juliet...don't call me Mistress..." I growled at her. After about five minutes, Holly came in.
"Hey, Arty. You feeling all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, but I absolutely need some watermelon."
She frowned. "Watermelon? You never liked watermelon." Gods, that's mean!
"What's wrong with watermelon? Why can't I have some?" I asked, feeling tearful. "Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean
you can yell at me!" I started sobbing.
She looked startled. "But, but I wasn't y-yelling."
"Yes, you were!" I cried. "It's mean to yell, so stop, all right? Anyway, I want watermelon!"
Juliet and Butler came in. Juliet was holding back giggles, and even Butler looked like he was trying not to smile. That
made me stop crying, but I got angry. I stood up.
"I just want a bloody watermelon!"
Holly did a despicable thing then, so I could 'vent my anger', as she would put it. She called up Foaly.
(A/N: Dan duh duh!)
I answered the call from Holly for two reasons. One: I had no work, so I was bored. Two: I kind of wanted to laugh at mudwoman
Arty. Actually, not kind of; I wanted to a lot. Ha.
However, I had not been expecting Female Fowl to be having mood swings on day one. Gods, he looked- I mean she looked-bad.
See, she was in the room, glaring. Then there was Holly, who was the one who called me. Juliet and Butler were in the back
of the room, and they looked scared. Well, as scared as a member of the Butler family can really look. I guess Arty was yelling,
or something. Apparently they had never felt the wrath of a pregnant woman. Come to think of it, neither had I. But it's sure
to be awful. And I found out just how awful about a split-second later.
"Why did you call him, Holly?"she screamed.
"So you would vent your anger at him," she said, as calmly as she could.
"Well, you can't call me every time she has a mood swing," I said. "Although I my have the need for entainment sometimes.
Dull in Haven without you, Holly."
Arty started crying. "I'm just entertainment? Just because you don't like me, Foaly, doesn't mean you have to announce
it to everyone!"
I was taken aback. "What are you...", but I stopped when I saw Juliet and Butler shaking their heads at me (while sneaking
out of the room, I might add.). Artemis was sobbing a lot, and was saying random things, such as,"They only like me because
I'm carrying the baby....no one cares...after I'm done they'll just throw me out on the street....". Quite amusing to hear
from Artemis Fowl II, genius and criminal mastermind. I decided to tape record the conversation. It won't be dull in the office
for long. Ha, once again.
Anyway, Holly grinned at me and said," Well, we'll only call you when we're sure you're bored."
"Oh, I don't know...how about once a week?" Great ideas were forming in my head. A miniseries. Artemis dolls that said
something like,"I'm just entertainment?" or anything else she said under the influence of raging hormones and mood swings.
A website. Everything! For fourteen years, our "archenemy" would be mocked. Of course, the jokes would last forever.
Arty choked out," It's my decision! Not everything I do has to be continually monitored and approved, you know!" Heck,I'd
love to see Fowl saying that in a couple of months; trying to get out of bed, because "she doesn't need to be monitored night
and day". Probably couldn't even lift herself up. Thank the gods I recorded this conversation.
"So...what brought on this anger, Fowl?" I asked, as sweetly as I could. I was extremely surprised when she started crying
"I just asked for a watermelon, and she jumped on me!" Artemis cried. Okay. I highly doubt Holly was going to get all hyped
because Artemis asked for a watermelon. Best go along with Fowl, though.
"Okay...um... if Holly gave you some watermelon would that make you feel better?" I asked. She sniffed.
"I guess so..." she said finally. Thank the gods that was taken care of.
"Well...bye then!" I said, and logged out. Time to show Root and recon the recordings.
A/N: Sorry if it wasn't too long, but my muses are in bed with the flu. It just didn't seem fair for you guys to have to
wait sooo long for the next chapter. And here are my GREAT reviewers:
Amy Shadows: You rock! Go on with the sequel to Fear Facter: LEP style! Lovin' it!
The OddBird: I only have one review from you! Please review some more. :wrings your neck: j/k. Hopefully the chapter isn't
sadluver: Sorry about the grammar.
A/N: Hope you "liked" the last chapter. My muses are now better. :smiles happily: Anyway, Artemis is going to experience
more strange cravings, more mood swings, and more fatigue. Poor Artemis. Now for my fabulous reviewers:
Amy Shadows: Thanks for helping me think of some cravings. :gives you a hug: And never fear, I will save you from the riot
forming outside your window. :turns to riot: Back! Back, I say!
The OddBird: Ok, you review once and then you just stop! How mean! :starts sobbing: Oh, gods, I'm acting like Female Fowl.
sadluver: See above.
Neko Mew midorikawa: Yeah, who would ever think that Arty would have mood swings? No idea why I thought up watermelon.
neutralgal: Yeah, it's disgusting to me, too. I love thinking that Artemis cries here, though.
Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, or any pizza establishment. Get over it.
Oh, and I am now referring to Arty as a boy, even though he's a girl...but whatever.
Urg. I did not think Artemis was going to have mood swings like that. Whatever, I'll just have to have Juliet
and Domovoi tend to him. At least Foaly was at his office. Come to think of it, when is Foaly not at his office? I
don't even remember seeing him go home. Not that he has anyone to go home to. How sad.
I left Artemis's bedroom (where he was now munching on watermelon), and came to see Juliet and Butler, wherever they had
snuck away to. How can the Butlers fight trolls, Recon squads, and everything else, yet be scared of a pregnant woman? How
strange. I found them both in the kitchen, on the phone. Well, Juliet was on the phone; Butler was just standing around.
"What are you guys doing" I asked.
Butler replied,"Artemis just called. He wants a vanilla pizza and olive oil."
I was stunned. "What? Together?"
Butler grinned. "Yeah, together. Now Juliet is calling place to place, seeing if anyone carries vanilla pizza. I had to
get off the phone, according to her."
Juliet hung up the phone and said,"You were demanding vanilla pizza. It was all I could do for you not to go over to Pizza
Hut and strangle them, or something."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Sounds like something you would do, Butler."
I went to the phone and called Domino's."Hello?...Yes, I'd like a vanilla pizza....Then make one...good, see you then."
I hung up the phone and turned to the Butlers.
"I guess he just needed the mesmer." We heard sobbing in Artemis's room then. D'arvit. Not another mood swing.
Pizza Guy's POV
Finally. It took forever just to get to this mansion place. Whatever, at least I'll get good paid by the rich people that
live here. Unless they're like Ebenezer Scrooge, or somethin'. I hope there aren't ghosts around, like in that movie.
I rang the doorbell. It took about five minutes for a girl to come to the door.
"Hey. Pizza," she said, sticking out her hand.
"Like, cash first," I said.
"Like, okay dude," she said, with a really weird voice. I think she was imataking me, or whatever.
She handed me the cash, and I handed her the pizza. I heard someone crying in the house. Woah.
"That's some weird taste buds."
"Well, who likes vanilla pizza?" I asked.
"Obviously someone in this household or we wouldn't have sent for you," she said, with a bored sort of voice.
"Man, you don't need to go PMSing on me." She got really angry.
"Get out. Before I have to hurt you." She said this with a big sigh, as if hurting me was going to take up most of her
I laughed. "A girl like you? You're lucky you're pretty, otherwise I wouldn't be standing around talking to you. Someone
would be getting hurt!"
"And it would be you." I turned around. This was a new voice, it wasn't the girl's. Just then, a guy jumped in front of
He was tall, but he also towered over me. He was like, a giant, man. He started speaking again.
"Please leave." Instead of leaving, I ran away.
Juliet brought in the pizza. I put some olive oil on it and dug in. It was great. I ate it all, but I almost threw up after.
I felt really tired then. Still, though, I called for Holly so that we could get an appointment with Ivy.
"Holly?" I called. She came in. "Hey, Holly, are we going to set up an appointment with Ivy?"
"Yeah, sure. Let me just call her." Holly called up Ivy, and we soon got to her.
"Hello, this is Ivy. Oh, you're the Fowls, right?" She flipped through a book, and stopped at a page with our names in
it. "Okay, how about we set up an appointment?"
Holly said,"Actually, that's just what we wanted to do."
Ivy smiled and said,"How about twice a month for now? Come tomorrow, and we'll see how it's going!"
Gee, I couldn't wait. I didn't want people prodding me who-knows-where.
Holly said," Sounds great. See you at ten." We logged out, and I finally got to sleep.
A/N: So, how'd you like it? I especially liked the pizza guy. He doesn't even know how to spell imitating. Tsk, tsk. Anyway,
review! No flames, please! :D
A/N: Artemis is always running to the bathroom, since, yeah, he always needs to go the bathroom...I'm too lazy to say so
in the story. lol :D Anyway, it's day...2? Yeah, day two. I think. Correct me in a review if I'm wrong. You'll get a big cookie!
:pulls out enormous cookie: Thanks, my wonderful reviewers! Gods, I haven't updated in a while, huh? Sorry! Anyway, on to
I woke up at an unearthly hour, thanks to Holly. I was extremely tired. Thankfully I wouldn't be so tired in the second
month. Urg. Once at Ivy's, which took way too long in my opinion (Holly would say its because I stopped to get food so often;I
was hungry, ok?), I saw that Ivy wasn't there. Just her assistant, Shadow. Shadow looked really nervous, like she hadn't-
Oh, gods! Like she hadn't ever done this before! I turned to Holly.
"Holly, she is not birthing our baby!" She looked weirded out.
"I don't think she's going to be here by then, Artemis, so you don't have to worry." Good. Uh, oh. It was time to go in
Judging by the sounds coming from the office with Arty and Shadow, I never want to get pregnant. I was just reading a magazine,
when I saw...Foaly. He looked rather uncomfortable. I laughed a little.
Foaly spotted me and said,"Ah, hey, Holly. I was just looking for you." Strange. Why would he be looking for me?
He asked,"Can we go somewhere private?"
"Sure, I guess." We went into the hall.
Foaly cleared his throat and explained his reasons for meeting me. "I want to make a weekly show starring Artemis. Without
him knowing. Obviously I can't go in there without your consent. Not that I have magic... I guess I just like you enough to
ask." I thought about it. It would be funny to watch Artemis's reaction after she has all the kids.
"Well, only if you agree to do one thing. You hold her hand when she's in labor. For each baby." I could see him toying
with the idea. On one hand, it's supposed to hurt a lot if you're in labor, so women usually squeeze hands pretty hard. On
the other hand, I know there hasn't been a lot of excitement since I've been gone, and Foaly would take it upon himself
to change that.
"Deal." After that he left, and I went back to the waiting room. Almost right after that, it was time to check on the baby.
We could do that this early thanks to fairy technology. I stood next to the table Artemis was laying on as she attached something
"Well, it looks like everything's okay for our little-" Shadow stopped as a paper printed out of a computer. She read it
"Oh, gods. Mrs. Fowl, you're not having one baby. You're having three."
"That is so great, Artemis! Now we'll have at least nine children!" I could tell that Arty was happy, too. I did have a
"Can Arty still have them naturally?"
"Sure. Fairy magic will ensure it. But I do want you on total bedrest, Artemis."
"What?" Artemis asked.
"Art, you don't want them to be hurt because you stand up too often, do you?"
Shadow jumped in. "And it's not total bedrest. Take a walk about once a day. But most of the time I want
you in bed."
"And," I said, knowing one thing that would persuade him to be on bedrest."I'll get you some new books."
"All right," Arty said, before rushing to the bathroom, throwing up today's breakfast. Since he wasn't feeling well, I
decided that we could wait until tomorrow to see his mother and father. I wonder what they'll say...
A/N: How do you like this chapter? Review, please! Oh, and Amy Shadows? Guess where the character "Shadow" got her name?
A/N: Don't you dare say I don't update! :grins: Well, I've decided what I'm going to do about the labor scene. I shall
have two chapters: One for the brave ones, and one for the squeamish ones (why are you looking at me? I...I'm not squeamish!
:faints at sight of papercut:). I've written the squeamish one. I have not written one for the people who like seeing blood,
gore, and childbirth. And, if you've ever gotten pregnant, know someone who has, and/or have info about it, please email me
with some. Thanks. Replies to reviews are at the end of the chapter. Which is not the best chapter I have ever written, believe
me. But you guys have to have the updates, right? :bows: On with the show!
Once again, I was woken up much too early. I mean, I was carrying three children! Couldn't I have a bit of a lie-in? Apparently
not, though. Holly started jabbering about me going to my parents. Thank the gods they already knew about the people. Otherwise
they'd be freaked out even more. Holly and I walked to the car (which Holly said was part of my daily walk), and drove to
my parents. Well, Butler drove. Holly said,"I will get your books in Haven today. You will stay at your parents and rest until
I get back. Okay, Sweet?" Obviously, I did NOT think it was okay, but I was too naseous to protest.
At my parents, we explained everything. Then Holly took off, leaving me alone with them. "Well, Artemis, if this is what
what you want, then so be it. Oh, I always wanted a little girl!" Mother exclaimed. Apparently she wanted a granddaughter.
My father had quite a different reaction, however. He thought it was funny. "Arty, I knew being a criminal would have consequences.
Good thing I stopped! How does it feel, anyway?"he chortled. I paused. "Okay...I guess. I mean, I've had a lot of morning
sickness." My mom asked, "A lot? You're not even past your first-oh...it's different the fairy way, isn't it?" "Yeah, and
the fact that I'm having triplets." Father sat there. Mother screamed. "Triplets? Three grandbabies on the first shot! Oh,
they'll be so cute!" Father had not quite gotten over the shock, so Mother and I looked over baby catalogues the rest of the
I came back to find Arty squealing about baby clothes. I almost laughed, but stopped after remembering the mood swings.
Artemis would never, in a million years, do that normally. "Arty, we've got to go!" We said our goodbyes and got in the car.
"All right, your first book is called 'Parenting', by A. Muther. The second is 'Pregnancy', by Vera E. Bigg. Pseudynyms, I'm
sure. But that's not the only thing. I got you signed up for lamaze class in Haven!" I swear that I heard Butler snort. Artemis
asked,"Lamaze class? Are you sure?" No, Artemis. I'm just saying this so that I can see your face. OF COURSE I'm sure. But
instead I said,"Well, you kinda need lamaze class if you're going to birth the babies naturally." And, actually, Foaly talked
me into it. Said it would be good for his show. Whatever.
A/N: So, how did you like it? I just don't know...I don't like it...maybe it's because there isn't any Foaly in it. Anyway,
thanks to new reviewers! And I still want reviews from the old ones!
Demon Pale Darkness: Hey, I say that a lot, too! My friends make fun of me, though... I'm glad you like the story! I tried
to get my uncle interested in Artemis Fowl (he really liked the first book), but he hated the Fowl Files...who knows why....well,
Shasta1617: No prob...I've tried to read a romance fic, but there wasn't enough humor to keep me interested...I guess I
mainly want this fic to be funny. A wee bit of romance, hey, sure. Can you recommend any romance stories? I'll definitely
be sure to check them out! :hugs you for reviewing: I am glad you like the story, though! Keep on reviewing!
marie0991: Aww...thanks! I am proud of myself....:winks: Hey, I really like your fanfic ("What will she think of me?").
Foaly is the funniest character. I think he'd be a lot more evil than this, however. Ah, well....I'm channeling his spirit
as much as I can! Don't hurt me! :gets hit by suga CraZie's stuffed monkey: :grins:
Z 2004: Roger.
Raserei Hojo: Yeah, I'm still undecided about the name. And, no, Angela Dawne is not my real name. I'm glad you like it,
though! So if that influences your decision, please tell me. Well, I'm happy I'm on your author alert list. Keep reading
Amy Shadows: Hurry up with the Foaly fic. Pencils shall hopefully protect me from Arty. How mad and embarrased will he
be that I made him marry Holly, and, even worse, get pregnant? Are you doing a chapter for you? Who else is going to be in
it, anyway? Update!
The first month passed smoothly enough, with only the frequent mood swings and odd cravings to break the peacefulness.
However, Lamaze class was swiftly approaching. The household thought little of it (with the exception of Artemis), but they
had no idea of the troubles that would accompany this class…
I really, really did not want to go to Lamaze class. In the first place, I would be the only male there. Well, technically
I was not a male, but I still considered myself one, as did Hols, Dom, and Juliet, though she joked unkindly about it. Foaly
did too. However, I was going to that class whether I “wanted to or not”, as Holly put it. I was currently twenty
pounds heavier than my norm, so I felt rather fat. True, I was always a bit too thin for comfort, but now I felt big and awkward.
Especially since all the weight was going to one place: my stomach. Ugh. I now headed to the portal to Haven with Dom driving
and Holly telling me that she would be there, and not to worry. I glared at her. “I don’t worry, I just…am
concerned. There is a difference.” Holly raised her eyebrow. “Stop that, Holly,” I whispered menacingly.
“All right, all right,” she said, raising her hands in defeat. “Don’t get your knickers in a twist.”
At my blank and rather nauseated expression, she sighed. “It’s just an expression.” I smiled. “A rather
odd expression.” I didn’t even want to know what that meant. Probably nothing good. We arrived at the entrance.
I carefully got out of the car, with Holly telling me to take it slowly. Dom looked nervous, too. I rolled my eyes and said,
“I’m just pregnant, not handicapped, you know.” Finally we got to the class. I gulped. This was it.
We were there. Finally. Artemis stopped at every blessed ice cream shop imaginable. When I protested he haughtily said,
“Blame it on the children. They are apparently hungry for ice cream.” I almost laughed at this, but Arty’s
look told me not to. We were barely on time for the class. We sat in the front, and some of the faeries pointed at. After
flashing my LEP badge at them (which had expired, but whatever), they stopped being shocked over having a human in the class.
Woah, I just thought “human”. When did I stop thinking “mudman”? Well, that doesn’t really matter
now. Anyway, we were seated next to no other than…Chix. I had told Artemis stories of Chix Verbil, but he had never
met him before. Well, better later than never, etc. Wait, who was Chix with? Oh, gods. It was Smali. That whor- Heh, pardon
my language. But still, she was. I nudged Artemis (who was currently absorbed in sitting down comfortably) and whispered,
”It’s Chix. Watch out.” Artemis looked around. “Where?” he whispered back. I coughed. “Next
to us.” I considered adding “, you fool,” but my heart knew that wasn’t a nice thing to do to someone
pregnant. Especially if they’re male and not used to the influx of hormones. Unfortunately, Chix noticed me. “Ah,
Hols! How are you?” Smali smiled at me. Chix went on without getting an answer. “Got a bun in the oven, I see.”
I snorted. “No, actually,” I said, in between peals of laughter. “Artemis does.” Chix paled. Everyone
in Haven knew that I had married him. The funny thing is that Commander Root had said, before I left Haven, “Good thing
you guys can’t have kids. With your police skills and Fowl’s intelligence, only the gods know what havoc they
could wreak.” Basically he was voicing all of Haven’s concerns. Ah, were they wrong, or what? So now, when Chix
heard that Arty was preggers, not me, he was a bit scared. Everyone under the earth knew about Foaly’s discovery: the
miracle of having a male be pregnant, just in case the female could not. Foaly considered not giving away this secret. He
was never too comfortable with the birds and bees. The one thing I could hold against him. Any time he really annoyed me,
I’d just go in and ask if he happened to have a tampon. He blush, mumble no, and shoo me out of the office. Revenge
is sweet…. Anyway, after he was offered quite a large pay raise if he gave the secret, he finally confessed. Now back
to the story. Chix paled and said, ”Um…hullo, Artemis, sir.” Artemis curtly nodded and replied, ”Hello
to you. How are you?” Personally, I think he was trying to keep his emotions in check, so that the faeries didn’t
have any extra ammo to throw at him. Unfortunately, that would be impossible with the mini-series Foaly had going. I mean,
he had cameras in every single room, including the bedroom. At first I worried that Foaly was watching me undress. But then
I thought, “Hey, who else is he going to see undress? He is so going to be a bachelor forever. No great
sex life for him.” So now, even if he is watching me undress, the pervert, I feel sorry for him. Okay, I’m getting
off the subject again. Well, Chix didn’t say anything else during the class. And the class was just stupid. It just
told you to breathe, etc. etc. etc. Whatever. Artemis listened to it, and that’s what’s important. Once we got
home, though, real troubles started.
I typed furiously on the computer, revising all my programs so they were faster, easier, and basically just better
than all the other computer programs out there created by others. I snorted. Mine were always the best out on
the market. I don’t know why I still worked on them. Oh, yeah- sheer boredom. Well, not total boredom now that I had
a mini-series in the works, but you get what I mean. I had also edited those until they were perfect. The first showing was
on the commander’s birthday, July 8th. This was also the day Fowl’s third month began. Personally, I still thought
he was a fool for getting pregnant. There is a reason that women get pregnant, after all. They had the proper, ah, equipment
to---Okay, I’d love to go into detail with you, but I’m afraid right now is not the time. Let’s reschedule.
Say the Threeteenth of Never at purple ‘o’ clock? Anyway, I had the first episode done: All the highlights of
his first month. I felt like cackling.
Sometimes my brilliance even astounds me.
A/N: How did you like this nice Christmas present from me? A bit late, but so be it. Guess what I got? A laptop! Hurrah!
:grins: Don’t you like Foaly with his squeamishness? Makes him seem more real, in my opinion. But that’s just
me. Now then, replies to reviews, of which I had a grand total of…one. Do try to review, if you can. Thanks, reviewers!
I still love you! :grabs all reviewers into group hug, against their will:
Raserei Hojo: Thanks! I like Angela Dawne, too. I think of it as “Angel o’ Dawn”. :sighs dreamily: I
like your name, too! How did you think it up???
Amy Shadows: How come you haven’t emailed me in so long? I love emails! Email me as much as you want! I get a tiny
ping of self-worth whenever I read one of your emails. Man, we are alike…. Well, hope you are well, and “talk”
to me when you have some free time. And update your Foaly story! I love it!
It was the next day. The day all the trouble started. First off, Butler showed me our mailbox. Let me tell you, when Butler
tells you to check a mailbox, you get a bit confused. And a little scared. Anyway, he took me to the mailbox, and it was overflowing
with letters! I took a step back. “Why, ah, are those there?” He shrugged. “Just thought you might like
to see.” Ok… “Well, I’ll help you bring in the mail, and then we’ll see what’s up,”
I said. We lugged it in, and I set to work looking through it, while Butler calmed Artemis, who was having another mood swing.
I felt sorry for him. A bit. But, you know, he had kidnapped me. And we still weren’t really even. After
the pregnancies were over, though…Yeah, I guess then we’d be even. Where was Juliet, you may ask? On a date. Which
Butler was not happy about. Especially since she was 20, going out with a 35-year old. I didn’t really care;
after all, it’s her life. But Butler had to play the “protective big brother” role. Ok, I am sooo getting
off-track. Anyway, 4 out of 273 letters were from people we actually knew. I’ll show them to you.
Arty’s Mother and Father:
Just some helpful hints for Artemis:
Drink lots of water.
Take some classes (Lamaze, etc.)
Exercise regularly. (But not too much, we don’t want Artemis to get exhausted.)
Remember, Artemis is carrying three children, and he needs plenty of rest! Tell him that I don’t mind if he comes
over. I’ll be getting some baby clothes and organizing a surprise party for him. Drop by soon!
Artemis and Angeline Fowl
Please accept my sympathy for having to put up with Artemis. Thanks for signing him up for Lamaze; it was great for my
show. The first showing is on July 8th, which, as you know, is the Commander’s birthday. Feel free to come to the premiere.
If you cannot come, I’ll send you the tape. Reply soon.
I heard from Foaly that Fowl is expecting. Congratulations. I must confess, however, that I am scared of your children.
Hopefully you can come visit soon. Boring here without you. Reply.
Hey, Hols! Man, can’t believe that Artemis is pregnant. Do you know how weird that is? Still don’t know why
you chose him instead of me. Well, Smali and I are good. Obviously we’re expecting. Come visit us soon!!!!!!
Apparently Chix still had a crush on me. Root’s letter was short and to the point. He must have been missing me.
Foaly must’ve missed me, too. And Arty’s parents? Eating right was a thing of the past. Artemis drank lots of
water, rested, took classes, and exercised. Well, scratch the exercise. Anyway, maybe eating right was an issue for normal
pregnancies, but not really for faerie ones. Anyway, the other 269 letters were from faeries. The basic letter looked like
You are just getting what you deserve for putting Haven in danger!!!!!! I’m going to laugh at you!!!!!!!!
They laugh at him, they get a shock where it hurts, that’s what I say. After reading most of these (well, ok, only
seven), I whispered, ”D’arvit!” Possibly not the classiest thing to say, but whatever. I mean, we couldn’t
really go in Haven anymore. Just how many people did Chix tell? Now what were we going to do? Oh, gods, the only other option
was to have Ivy come to the house. Ugh. What a hassle. Well, I called and explained, and she said it wasn’t a problem,
so that was clear. Still…urg.
A/N: I think next time they’ll talk about names. This chapter was really awkward. You know, I keep say “Oh,
gods” in real life now. And my uncle wrote me a story! It’s called “Artemis Fowl Meets Angela Dawne”.
It’s quite good; I may post it. Now to reply to my review. Only one. :shakes head:
Raserei Hojo: :gets shaken: Myyyyy brrrraaaiin…. :grins: I updated, just for you! I like the story of where you got
your name. I’m German, and I still didn’t know that “Raserei” meant rage. That’s awesome! :sighs:
You are my most faithful reviewer. :hugs you:
A/N: Possibly mild cursing in this chapter. Oh, come on! Only two words. :grins: Anything in italics is a memory.
Now read, review, and be merry!
Thank the gods that the letter problem was dealt with. But still, everything was totally a hassle! We just didn’t
have enough time, d’arvit! So I decided to make a schedule, just like Artemis would if he was in his right mind. Gods,
I’m taking on characteristics of Artemis! Ah, well. I’d worry about that later. For the time being, I just focused
on making a schedule. Possibly not one as great as Arty would make one, but not everybody’s perfect like he thinks he
is. Well, before I gave him humility lessons. Starting with a punch on the face. Ugh. I still cringe at the fact that the
first day I saw him after he managed to get his memory back, I broke his nose. Sigh….
Foaly had told me that none other than Mulch Diggums had brought Artemis’s memory back. He put me on an assignment
to see how he was doing. I hopped the shuttle, and was back in Ireland. Gods, I loved Ireland. ”It’s totally
clean…you wouldn’t believe how many…to purge the mud man…” Memories were rushing back to
me, and I didn’t know if I wanted to remember them or not! “You keep it. To remind you.”… “People
usually get hurt in your schemes…people who care about you…”… “Eternity, theoretically.”
His voice… Gods, I realized, I wanted to hear him…and… and… I wanted to touch him… D’arvit!
A LEP officer can’t have…friends. Or lovers. Would I give up my title for him? I…didn’t know. All
I knew was that I needed to see Artemis.
I got to the manor rather easily; I’d been there before. But I still don’t know what made me do what I did
to Artemis. I rang the doorbell. Butler called, ”Who is it?” I called back, “Someone for Artemis Fowl!!!”
I heard scuffling inside (apparently they were debating whether to let Arty answer the door, Dom answer the door, or no one).
Artemis opened the door. He was…gods, I had forgotten how old he would be now. He was 17. “Hello, Capta-.”
Then I punched him in the nose. What for? Maybe it was for kidnapping me. Maybe it was for forcing me to take place in his
schemes. Maybe it was because I was in love. Gods, that does NOT make sense. In any circumstance, I punched him, and heard
a sickening crunch. “Oh, shit!” I screamed. “Heal.” He had passed out from the punch, and was lying
in my arms. Butler and Juliet seemed to know that I wouldn’t hurt him and had gone off. Ooh, they were good. I grinned
slightly. Artemis awoke a minute after the healing stopped. He was a bit delirious still. “H-holly? You’re here?
Really? I…knew you would. I saw it…in a dream…” I knocked him out with the mesmer before he said something
he would regret. I woke him up on the couch so he could get his bearings. He shook his head slightly. “Why did you break
my nose? Now it’s going to be sore, and, you know, it may never be the same again.” “Thanks for the greeting,
Artemis. Hello to you, too.” “Excuse me, but I tried to say hello. You broke my nose before I got a chance to
finish.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say to that. He surveyed me and said, “Anyway, why have you
come? Foaly? Or…something else?” His face was expressionless, but his eyes shone with…what was that? Hope?
“I…I…damn it, Artemis! I love you, you pale genius!!!” With that, I ran.
Later I realized that he loved me too, although me cursing and breaking his nose was probably not the best way to let him
know that I loved him. Too late now. I started laughing hysterically. Why? No idea.
A/N: I know, it was SHORT and it didn’t really have a plot, but whatever. :laughs: No replies to reviews this chap,
since I just want to get it out so you can hungrily devour it! Eat up, my pretties!